Bedrot

Now, you might expect that after such a massive boost of validation, after seeing with my own eyes people light up as they try my dream manifest I'd be running circles around the workshop, fingers waltzing over the patent application forms, brimming with life and firing on all cylinders - riding the high of the wave of recognition. I was expecting that! But that's not what happened. What followed were two and a half weeks of almost solid bedrot, where I couldn’t tell whether my spine had molded to the bed, or the bed to my spine. A minor bout with the forces of depression — not the thing itself, but all the little tides that push you toward it. This time, they won. If this scares you - ok, if I forewarn you - good. That's not to say "it will happen to you" in grandpa Simpson voice. Honestly, I don’t know if my coming undone was the product of finally breathing out after holding myself by sheer tension of will to get through it, or me coming back to an empty room full of echoes after helping my ex-partner move out, echoes of a decade of life shared…

I wasn’t doing nothing. I helped her move out. I found a new place for myself, because I couldn’t afford the old one. I cried. I tackled my taxes, balanced the books, stretched my grocery budget into new kinds of alchemy.

But every moment not doing felt like shame. I was supposed to be working. Making. Moving. Instead, I was watching dumb movies on my side, in the same shirt four days in a row, pretending it didn’t smell like depression.

“I’m supposed to be on fire right now” - I thought. But I wasn’t. I was just… static.

And guilty about it.

Sometimes I like to cook. I was forced to cook a lot during this project (couldn’t afford to outsource, lol), but sometimes… Sometimes I cook for just me. Just for the process. It’s meditative - you get to clear out your mind of all the extras as you’re focused on chopping and peeling vegetables, or massaging spices and egg and breadcrumbs into the minced meat… I dunno, feeds my soul. Like a tiny, very well-defined, at this point guaranteed to succeed mini-project you can get done in under an hour. AND YOU GET FOOD OUT OF IT!

If that sounds like a good deal to you too, here’s what we’re gonna do…

Рецепт оладок на кефірі:

  • Something like 400-450 grams of kefir (if you have them, look for polish stores/sections - their dairy is seriously top)

  • 3 eggs

  • 3 table spoons of sugar

  • 2 pinches of salt

  • Ground coriander for a hug to the heart when you eat them; mint for lightness if you want to; or sweet cinnamon to summon summer

  • Whisk till blended

  • Now start adding flour, sifting it as you go. I just toss two big table spoons of flour at a time into the sifter and shake it over the mixing bowl. I don’t know how much I add, you need to hit the texture where it becomes lazy and doesn’t wanna drip off the whisk that easily anymore. Something like thick honey, or sour cream

  • Get your pan (or pans) ready - on fire, oiled (I prefer sunflower oil for this, imagine linseed would also work; olive would probably be too wild in this role), reasonably hot (oil is shimmering)

  • While the pans are heating up, throw half a teaspoon (the little one) of baking soda into the mix and give it one more stir

  • Game time! Using just a simple table spoon slurp big scoops of the mix and start pouring it onto the pan. Don’t worry about the shape being messy, don’t worry about getting everything off the spoon into the pan - find your rhythm and plonk those little medals of your culinary achievement down. Once you see them forming bubbles (that’s soda reacting with acids in kefir) OR (in case your kefir isn’t all that acidic) you see that the mix turns into dough roughly halfway through the thickness of it - flip them!

  • Keep going until the mix is gone. Ish. You’re never gonna get all of it cooked (well, you can, but why?.. Leave space for whimsy and a little bit of waste in your life).

Congrats, now you have a whole pile of pancakes. Breakfast, dinner, snack - they’re good whenever. Personally I advise them with sour cream and maybe a bit of jam, but you do you - honey, syrups, straight-up, with jam, with cheese (you maniac..), whiskey… however the fuck you want them. Now that you have them, maybe it’s time to go on youtube and put CGP Grey’s “Spaceship You” video. It was made during the Covid-19 pandemic (ha! I remember chuckling at the meme that one day you’re gonna find a face mask in the pocket of your jacket and smile to yourself, thinking “what a weird year that was” as you done on your armor to fight off the hordes of irradiated barbarians… Who knew life imitates art, and does it fucking post-haste). Feels like two lifetimes ago for me, but it’s a good video about keeping yourself sane[1] in this insane world. Helped me, may help you.

If you’re in the gutter, start priming with your physical side. Make some pancakes, or fried eggs, or even a sandwich. Make it with compassion you have for a struggling human being. Make it for you.

[1] - for some definition of “sane”